Hi there. Received some HATE MAIL yesterday, ho ho. I’ve not allowed it under the original posting because it’s completely “off-topic”, so I thought I’d give “Anne” here her own platform on my site, just to prove I don’t hide behind my ability to moderate (although, goddam it Anne, you write like a bloke in my opinion!!). Maybe you’re the ladyboy here, hey chicken? 😉
From: Anne Amercian email@example.com IP address: 126.96.36.199
To: Andy Remic
Submitted on 2009/12/14 at 4:30am
British people are ugly, and you are a shitty writer.
Submitted on 2009/12/14 at 4:54am
I’m sorry. Not all Brits are ugly. I got carried away with that statement when I thought about how terrible War Machine was. I hadn’t read 50 pages of the book before I figured out that the soldier lady [deleted due to plot spoiler], so I skipped to the end to confirm my suspicions, and sure enough, you are horrible at foreshadowing (along with every other literary device). HOW DO YOU GET PULBISHED? IS THE EDITOR OF YOUR PUBLISHING HOUSE RETARDED? DOES THE EDITOR KNOW HOW TO READ? I HAVE READ FORTUNE COOKIES WITH MORE WIT, CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, AND PLOT THAN YOUR NOVEL war machine. While I am not a writer of fiction, and I respect the amount of work that must go into writing an entire novel, I want my F****** EIGHT DOLLARS BACK THAT I SPENT ON YOUR PIECE OF S*** BOOK. If you hadn’t stolen my money by selling me a horrible excuse for a book, I might not feel the need to leave invective comments on your website. To recap, I retract my statement about the attractiveness of modern day British people (sorry everyone), and I want my money back. Make sure you moderate all the comments (only you and your fellow shitty authors have comments up on any of your posts) so the scores of people you rip off with your reprehensibly awful books can’t turn your website into a living testimonial about what a f****** douche you are, you thieving, dick-less, lady-boy fagot. Get a real job and stop swindling people you f****** limey pussy.
From: Andy Remic
To: Anne Amercian
Thank you so much for your letter. It brightened up my Monday morning no end. Seriously. I haven’t laughed so hard since I trapped my Jonny T in a Hoover. However, I do have a few points to make about your thrilling missive, so please concentrate:
1) Why do vitriolic diatribes arrive anonymously? And by idiots who cannot spell the name of their own country? In the words of Green Day, “Don’t want to be an Amercian Idiot”. You failed, mate.
2) How did I get pulbished? Well, I wrote for a while, and some people thought what I wrote was pretty good, and I got an agent. I’ve worked with three pulbishing houses and five editors so far. They have all been superb to work with, and not in the least bit “retarded” (as you, in your anonymous bravery, claim). Now then: are you asking me for advice on how you too can get pulbished in the fiction world? I would refer you to some self help books, my friend. They may help. 🙂
3) I do not see the correlation between my terrible book and all British people being ugly. That’s like saying your letter stinks, and therefore all American people are fat. Illogical. Pointless. Facile. What you should have said was that my book is terrible, and therefore anybody who likes it is stupid. Haha. There you go! I’m creating your insults for you. What a nice man I am.
4) How, in the name of arse, can I be a “dick-less ladyboy fagot”. This is impossible. A ladyboy has a dick, this is what makes them a ladyboy. To be a dick-less ladyboy is to be a, well, a lady. And a fagot is a bunch of kindling sometimes used for torches (as in Diablo, and other dungeon games, and comedy fantasy movies). So I’m a bunch of wood? How can I be a bunch of wood if I’m dick-less? Confused!?! I’m confused. Oh, I understand… you mean faggot with the implication that I’m homosexual! Is that supposed to be an insult in these modern times? Or are you still living in the nineties? Maybe you’re still in the playground 😉 because the last time I heard that supposed insult was from a bunch of male yoofs.
5) Finally – well, obviously you’re a dissatisfied customer. You want your eight dollars back? Absolutely no problem, buddy! My one caveat is that you claim it from me in person :-). See what a generous dick-less ladyboy fagot I can be? Ho ho. Come see me at a con or a signing, because not all of us can hide behind the internet.