Remic – a “Dick-less ladyboy fagot” hatemail shocker!! oooh!

Hi there. Received some HATE MAIL yesterday, ho ho. I’ve not allowed it under the original posting because it’s completely “off-topic”, so I thought I’d give “Anne” here her own platform on my site, just to prove I don’t hide behind my ability to moderate (although, goddam it Anne, you write like a bloke in my opinion!!). Maybe you’re the ladyboy here, hey chicken? 😉

From: Anne Amercian anyuser@hotmail.com  IP address: 71.112.207.150

To: Andy Remic

Message 1:

Submitted on 2009/12/14 at 4:30am

British people are ugly, and you are a shitty writer.

Message 2:

Submitted on 2009/12/14 at 4:54am

I’m sorry. Not all Brits are ugly. I got carried away with that statement when I thought about how terrible War Machine was. I hadn’t read 50 pages of the book before I figured out that the soldier lady [deleted due to plot spoiler], so I skipped to the end to confirm my suspicions, and sure enough, you are horrible at foreshadowing (along with every other literary device). HOW DO YOU GET PULBISHED? IS THE EDITOR OF YOUR PUBLISHING HOUSE RETARDED? DOES THE EDITOR KNOW HOW TO READ? I HAVE READ FORTUNE COOKIES WITH MORE WIT, CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, AND PLOT THAN YOUR NOVEL war machine. While I am not a writer of fiction, and I respect the amount of work that must go into writing an entire novel, I want my F****** EIGHT DOLLARS BACK THAT I SPENT ON YOUR PIECE OF S*** BOOK. If you hadn’t stolen my money by selling me a horrible excuse for a book, I might not feel the need to leave invective comments on your website. To recap, I retract my statement about the attractiveness of modern day British people (sorry everyone), and I want my money back. Make sure you moderate all the comments (only you and your fellow shitty authors have comments up on any of your posts) so the scores of people you rip off with your reprehensibly awful books can’t turn your website into a living testimonial about what a f****** douche you are, you thieving, dick-less, lady-boy fagot. Get a real job and stop swindling people you f****** limey pussy.

From: Andy Remic

To: Anne Amercian

Dear Idiot,

Thank you so much for your letter. It brightened up my Monday morning no end. Seriously. I haven’t laughed so hard since I trapped my Jonny T in a Hoover. However, I do have a few points to make about your thrilling missive, so please concentrate:

1) Why do vitriolic diatribes arrive anonymously? And by idiots who cannot spell the name of their own country? In the words of Green Day, “Don’t want to be an Amercian Idiot”. You failed, mate.

2) How did I get pulbished? Well, I wrote for a while, and some people thought what I wrote was pretty good, and I got an agent. I’ve worked with three pulbishing houses and five editors so far. They have all been superb to work with, and not in the least bit “retarded” (as you, in your anonymous bravery, claim). Now then: are you asking me for advice on how you too can get pulbished in the fiction world? I would refer you to some self help books, my friend. They may help. 🙂

3) I do not see the correlation between my terrible book and all British people being ugly. That’s like saying your letter stinks, and therefore all American people are fat. Illogical. Pointless. Facile. What you should have said was that my book is terrible, and therefore anybody who likes it is stupid. Haha. There you go! I’m creating your insults for you. What a nice man I am.

4) How, in the name of arse, can I be a “dick-less ladyboy fagot”. This is impossible. A ladyboy has a dick, this is what makes them a ladyboy. To be a dick-less ladyboy is to be a, well, a lady. And a fagot is a bunch of kindling sometimes used for torches (as in Diablo, and other dungeon games, and comedy fantasy movies). So I’m a bunch of wood? How can I be a bunch of wood if I’m dick-less? Confused!?! I’m confused. Oh, I understand… you mean faggot with the implication that I’m homosexual! Is that supposed to be an insult in these modern times? Or are you still living in the nineties? Maybe you’re still in the playground 😉 because the last time I heard that supposed insult was from a bunch of male yoofs.

5) Finally – well, obviously you’re a dissatisfied customer. You want your eight dollars back? Absolutely no problem, buddy! My one caveat is that you claim it from me in person :-). See what a generous dick-less ladyboy fagot I can be? Ho ho. Come see me at a con or a signing, because not all of us can hide behind the internet.

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20 comments
  1. Simon said:

    Fukin hills hairy ass!!

    Good work.

    Got hold of Kell’s Legend the other day, started it and then left it round a mates house. I’m liking what I’ve read so far. The way I had ended up thinking of it was Gemmell, Remic style.

    Anyway love the new cover and finding Warhead in an Amnesty bookshop in Bristol.

  2. Fordy said:

    I wish I could get pulbished. I’m one of those ugly Brits she was talking about too, do you think this will help?

  3. Ratchet573 said:

    Mr. Remic, I want to read all your responses to hate mail. You sir, are plain simply f****** hilarious.
    Combat-K, from what I’ve read so far, has the feel of a B-list action movie. It’s funny, it’s somewhat cheesy, but overall it’s f****** awesome. Sure it’s not Dune or anything like that, but it’s a sci-fi novel for people like me who complain when there is not violence and manly-ness on every page of a damn book.
    I write short stories and novels online for forums and such. I write pretty much like you, I create a good story, and then add to that story page after page of action. Sure, it’s not going to win me a prize for best author, but by god who cares? As long as I entertain someone, f*** everyone else. I don’t write specifically to entertain everyone and show off how amazing I am, I write to entertain myself, and if, in that process, I am entertaining other people, good.
    The internet has brought along the age of pussydom. You can hide behind the internet and interact with anyone while hiding your identity, you can act like you are high and mighty, when in fact, most of these people write illogical rants that contain more cuss words that don’t string together well instead of a well developed rant on why something sucks.

    Mr. Remic, you’ve provided me with hours of violent bliss. I commend you for having the balls to stand up for yourself against idiot haters.

    By the way, is Solaris a subsidiary of a major publishing group? I’ve never heard of Solaris before.

  4. Phillip said:

    I’m clinging to the hope that Anne is one of your readers who wanted to see a funny response to hate mail rather than a moron of near Biblical proportions. I don’t know why it surprises me that there are people like that in the world.

  5. Jeffrey Thomas said:

    This “fellow shitty writer” (generalize much, “Anne”?) didn’t see the PLOT SPOILER coming and was quite shocked. WAR MACHINE is loads of fun; so go read JUDE THE OBSCURE already, Anne, and quit whining. Doesn’t she have anything better to complain about in this world, like terrorism, the high unemployment rate, or paranormal romances?

  6. Kenn said:

    Dear Mister Remic,

    As a Representative of the Fat Amercians of America. We’d like to inform you that Anne American has been expelled from our ranks and will no longer bear the title “Amercian” since we feel that she has embarrassed our Guatemalan-Tongan-Cherokee-Dutch/German-British Colonial Ladyboy forefathers (dicked or otherwise) for the last time.

    She will be deported to Punktown forthwith.

    Sincerely,

    Kenneth “Jetboy” Gentile
    FAA Advocate.
    Asheville, NC, USA

    PS: We also issued an small donation to the Association for the Prevention of Cruelty towards Dick-Less Ladyboy Fagots (APCD-LLF) in your honor.

  7. andyremic said:

    Some really funny responses there!! I am not the only dickless ladyboy comedian, it would seem!!! 🙂 Kenn- you’re a nutcase. Who let you out of a cage? Haha.

    Ratchet, Solaris were owned by Black Library (as in Games Workshop), but were recently bought by Rebellion – the guys (and gals) who write the Alien vs Predator games, and own 2000AD amongst other business ventures.

    Thanks guys for making me laugh even more!! 🙂

  8. Kenn said:

    Why let me out? Some crazy ginger dwarf in flip-flops sawed the top of it off with a particle disassembler as he ran by.

    Seriously, glad you got a laugh out of it. Just remember we’re not *all* twats across the pond.

    Looking forward to the release Kell’s Legend (which is taking FOREVER btw) and Hardcore in the States.

    Later 🙂

  9. Jenni said:

    Mr. Remic,

    “To be a dick-less ladyboy is to be a, well, a lady.”

    I object! One generally needs other parts to be a lady. Other than that, I wholly concur with everything you’ve said. LOL @ Amercians.

    Also, thank you, good sir, for defending your editors honour. I would like to assure Anne that none of us are the least bit retarded, except for David who drools a bit when he thinks we’re not looking.

    Also, thanks for starring out the swearwords in that dreadful woman’s letter. Sensitive souls such as Jeffrey Thomas might have fainted over their keyboards, otherwise, and nobody wants that.

    – Jen

  10. andyremic said:

    Well, yes, I suppose you need a few other bits. I have good breasts though 😉 Too many jaffa cakes.

  11. andyremic said:

    And Kenn, yeah I know, I love the US; that’s why I’ve been 5 times, and I’m over again next year 🙂 Florida! Miami! NYC! The Keys!

  12. Andy – I haven’t laughed so much in a long time. Thanks so much for that 😀 Actually I just bought Kell’s Legend today and if your writing above (funny, witty, absolutely spot on) is anything to go by, then I think I’m gonna love your book. I love it when cretins get their comeuppance. Absolutely brilliant!

  13. andyremic said:

    It just really, really amused me. Say you don’t like my book by all means – but why get so personal? And would you say it somebody’s face? Cos you’re gonna get a kicking if you do!! There are some silly, silly people. We should all love one another. Get out the flowers and Beatles records x x x.

  14. andyremic said:

    I stand corrected by Jonathan M. — A “dick-less ladyboy” is effectively a post-operative transsexual. So even if you did sleep with men it wouldn’t make you a “faggot” but rather a straight woman.

    Wow. I have been educated!! 🙂 (although this dude does have 4 degrees, so I don’t feel too bad about my ladyboy transsexual ignorance). I would say I want to learn more, but I remember all too clearly that ladyboy in Turkey……….

  15. Franco's Lovechild said:

    Lool

    A great thread 🙂 Some very funny responses too. Well done all, made me chuckle!

    Thank god we have the interweb or these li’l lovies like our Anne here would never get heard… and then ripped for being soooo mental! ha ha

    P.s. I am not a fellow shitty author btw so thats another point proved wrong!!!!

  16. Steve said:

    “How, in the name of arse, can I be a “dick-less ladyboy fagot”. This is impossible. A ladyboy has a dick, this is what makes them a ladyboy. To be a dick-less ladyboy is to be a, well, a lady. And a fagot is a bunch of kindling sometimes used for torches”

    Thanks for that Mr Remic, I almost choked on my lunch, it made me laugh out loud… sounds like something Franco would roll off his tongue.
    Hardcore drops tomorrow here in Canada Sir, and I will be in the large line that forms at the checkout purchasing your latest…..
    Long Live Combat K

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