SKY TV and E.ON Gas & Electric – A RANT.

The Incompetence of SKY

I cannot be the ONLY person who has his karma/ goodwill in humanity/ writing concentration decimated regularly by the absolute nuggets who run the supply services in the UK (usually from an Industrial Shed somewhere in Pakistan/Bangladesh/Nigeria).

Take SKY. My initial call was taken by Kelly from Essex who truly had the brain capacity of a peanut after negotiating the digestive tract of a half-dying vulture with salmonella. I was literally banging the phone handset against my forehead in sheer utter frustration – for an hour and a half (it should have taken 10 minutes). But I had no alternative, nobody else did SKYTV/broadband/telephone in one package. SKY have a monopoly. Which is ironic, because I seemed to be dealing with the little metal characters from inside the box. The Stinky Dog? The Old Boot?

Anyway, I didn’t have the heart to complete the follow-up survey, because poor Kelly from Essex would have been SACKED. I would have sacked her, if she worked for me. So – broadband and telephone in 14 days? Great! Sign me up. Only – they didn’t. Sure, they rushed around a guy to get the dish sorted after 48 seconds of my hanging up – and whereupon he nicked my old dish (so if I cancelled, I’d have, er, no dish – but that was another argument). But telephone and broadband? No siree! 14 days? Why, SKY have other ideas for you there, sir!

I had many an interesting afternoon conversation on their expensive premium 0845 number, which usually went something like:

REM: “Why haven’t you connected my telephone yet? It’s been 4 weeks.”

IDIOT: “That’s because you do not have a telephone line, sir.”

R: “Er, well, how am I speaking to you now, then?”

I: “You have a telephone line?”

R: “Well done, that man.”

I: “Oh. Our records show you have no line. What we’ll have to do is cancel your previous order, and initiate a new one, then send out a BT engineer to do a line survey.”

R: “You’ve already done that. The engineer came out last week. He confirmed I had a line.”

I: “We need to send another one.”

R: “Why?”

I: “To do a line survey.”

R: “One came last week. He surveyed the line. He told me I had a line. He told you I had a line. Everybody knows I have a line! Why can’t you just give me a new number and broadband on the line everybody knows I have?”

I: “We will, sir.”

R: “And how long will that take?”

I: “Two weeks. After the survey.”

R: “But you said two weeks, four weeks ago.”

I: “Yes, but because you have no telephone line…”

R: “I do! I’m speaking to you on it!”

I: “We still need to send round an engineer to do a survey, sir.”

I took this crap for five weeks, phoning them every second day. Often, when I ranted and demanded to get put through to a manager/team leader/lesser idiot, they would “try” and then say the manager/team idiot/lead moron was busy – but they would guarantee me a call-back in the next 24 hours. Which they never did. I am ashamed to say I was surprised. This happened again, and again, and again. My file at SKY must be bigger than my broken-bone X-RAY folder at the hospital!

So I cancelled SKY telephone/broadband. Only the nice guy told me they’d already cancelled it the previous week, and were “getting ready to put it through as a new order”. Yeah, right, pull the other one, it has bells on.

So I phoned BT. Now, I’ve heard a lot of bad stuff about BT, and I’ve not been a customer for a few years, so I was filled with trepidation. However, I reasoned they owned all the lines in the country (and SKY and its other second-hand back-alley compadres have to pay BT Openreach to deal with its own lines) – thus, my twisted logic went, if anybody could sort out my line, it was these BT guys! Right?

I telephoned BT. I got an English guy, in England, who was very switched on. Yay!! Now, no offence meant to the hardworking locals in Pakistan/Bangladesh/Nigera – I’m sure you mean no harm, and everybody deserves to work/eat/play Solitaire, but the frustration quotient of not being understood on every third syllable, and *knowing* the company involved is purely cost-cutting and employing trainees/disadvantaged/slave labour to read stuff offa monitor – well, it rankles, my friends. It bites my bottom.

So BT then? BT sorted me out in 2 days with a line, 3 days with broadband.

Why, SKY, did you sits with thumbs-up-bottoms for 5 whole weeks? Why, SKY, did your brainless operators give me the same line “It’ll be another two weeks!” time after time after time every damn time I phoned? I felt like an extra in Total Recall. “How long are you staying on Mars?” / “Towoo weeks!” I kept expecting Michael Ironside to leap out and start shooting at me.


Easy. Because you can. And you will. And you do. And I bet you lurve it.

E.ON – For Those Who Can’t Spell Aeon.

Or Now, In My Case – E.OFF.

Now then, E.ON. Beautiful, happy, loving lovely E.ON.

I moved house recently. I knew it was going to be hard work. These things invariably are. But they can be made MORE DIFFICULT by a) people whom you’d thought would help you move house, getting sudden mysterious back/flu/Ebola afflictions, and b) supply service muppets giving you an extra large hard dollop dose of stupidity and school-dinner threats.

Yes, that’s right E.ON, sitting at the back of the class sucking crisps and looking at dirty magazines inside the cover of your Physics textbook, I’m talking to you! What do you mean, you don’t understand sir? What do you mean, issnot your fault, sir? Were you responsible for my electric? Yes sir! Did you make promises/agreements which you broke? Yes, sir! Did you send letters of demand – dated the 12th, but which I received 7 days later, and giving me 7 days in which to sort out the mess which you originally created so in fact I only had 3 hours to deal with your crappy crap when i should have been writing my current novel? Oh yes, sir! That was me, sir. But only because Billy Bob at the front made me do it, sir.

E.ON! Take your fingers out of your mouth when you speak! E.ON, stop rocking on your chair like a rejected village idiot! E.ON, I will be telephoning your parents straight after this lesson to tell them what a dolt you have been. I’m sure it’s fun to threaten people who don’t deserve it (and for problems which you created) with CCJs and debt collection services because you don’t know your bottom from your belly-button, but you can’t just blame automated computer letters and the stupidity/downright lies of your customer service staff all the time, can you? NO SIR! Sir, has anybody ever told you you look like an Orang-utan?  Right – that’s it! I’m phoning your parents……

Ring ring. Ring ring. “Welcome to E.ON. We appreciate your custom, but you are in a queue, please be patient and we will deal with your problem shortly.”*


I really shouldn’t waste my time doing this, I know. I shouldn’t put effort into being angry about these companies – and simply do what I’ve been doing for years. You know. You get that letter. And you give a Big Sigh. Because they’ve screwed it up again. Which means you’ll have to phone them. The Horror. The Horror. Which means queuing. Which means talking to shavedmonkeyinasuit/ Kurtz-wannabee/ poorindividualwhoonlywantstoeatbutiswillingto”train”andspeaktoangryGlaswegianstogetit.

But you know what? I thought it was time for some PAYBACK. So if you have an interesting or angry rant about SKY, or E.ON, or TALKTALK, or BRITISHGAS, or any other of the many MUPPET COMPANIES you have to deal with in day-to-day life and really GETS YOUR GOAT (and your hat, and your shoes…) then please, post it in the comments below and let’s all get it off our moaning whining whingeing collective chests.**

Finally, then, we can talk, my friends, of Therapy. Or sitting in circles holding hands, breathing deeply, thinking of Inner Calm and Beautiful Colours… my DVD “Getting Over Ridiculous Customer Service Problems with Andy Remic” by Andy Remic, written, directed and produced by Andy Remic, and marketed by Andy Remic, will be available from… Andy Remic, in the near future for the BARGIN! of $29.99.



*Or at least, before the polar ice caps melt, a situation we have happily helped achieve.

** Note: PLEASE, no swearing. I try to keep this site family friendly. And if you all let go, like I know you’ll want to, then nothing at all will be publishable – quite understandable, but let’s be nice. Remember – Big Smile!! Clap your hands!

  1. I have similar stupidity-laden stories involving B&Q kitchens and Thames Water, but I fear full disclosure might make you weep. Luckily, the missus keeps ALL correspondence in such circumstances, and on both counts, three-page letters listing the lengths of their customer service incompetence gleaned excellent results.

    Moral there is; always keep your correspondence, even if it’s who you spoke to on the phone!

  2. Simon Swainson said:

    I was going to regale you with my woes from:-
    The police (surrey branch)
    Book clubs
    etc etc etc

    then i noticed the ad by google at the bottom of your post:-

    Ads by Google
    Sky+HD Official Site
    Up to 5x Picture Detail with Sky+HD Get a Free Sky+HD box. Learn how.

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